The full, unedited email:
Hey it's ******* from the Facebook page.
I am 19 years old and I need some advice. I am in love with my best mate who used to be my ex; I have been living with her and her for over a year now. We have been secretly on and off for ages; her family doesn't know that she is gay. I am having trouble because she is now 'bored' of me and she likes new things. She said she doesn't want to ruin our friendship and that she likes to occasionally kiss me or other things; I have tried to say no but I get weak around her. Now all of a sudden she has moved on and I am absolutely heart broken; I look like the bad person because nobody knows what happens behind closed doors. I haven't felt this low in myself for ages and now I want to just give up. I don't know what else to do. She is also controlling; I can't get any piercings because she dislikes them and will rip them out, if I get one, she will kick me out of her home. I have one tattoo and would like to get more but if I do then we won't be friends and she won't care; she said she isn't friends with people like that.. I feel worthless and unattractive. I don't know what else to do.Your charity song "it does get better" always makes me cry cause I feel like it's just not going to happen for me; you are my inspiration right now and I didn't know who else to turn to.I hope you can at least give me some advice ..
Thank you for hearing me out; I am forever grateful and I appreciate your time.
****** ***************
Our big sister response:
Hey ********,
The best advice I can give you is this:
When you fall for someone it's like an obsession, and anyone who has felt that knows exactly what you're going through. In a few years time you'll hopefully look back on this period of your life and not recognise the person you were, not even understand how you could have felt that way about someone who treated you so badly. Most people have experienced this, whether they are brave enough to admit it or not. I know I have.
The key thing is: You don't get over the last big thing, until you meet the next. To meet that next person, you have to be open to it.
The problem is: There's often nothing more attractive than someone who keeps pushing you away. What you can't have, is always coveted most. It's human nature. And it means that we often neglect and don't recognise the people who truly care about us, even when they are right under our noses!
The fact is: If someone is pushing you away, you need to move on.
What should you do? Change something. It sounds to me like you and she cannot be just friends so long as you feel this way, and for you to move on, you need to do just that. Find a safe place with friends that you can live, and recover.
I've moved cities before now to find some peace of mind and a place free from history. I'm not suggesting you do something that drastic, but you certainly need to do something. It can be liberating to meet new people, and be able to be the person you really are, without the influence of someone who is a negative in your life.
You are in control of your own destiny, no-one else. You know you're not happy, you've reached out for advice. Write a list of things that you want to achieve, that would make you happy, that doesn't involve/rely on being in a relationship. Do all of those things on that list - or at least attempt to. And realise that not achieving them doesn't mean you failed. Failing is about not trying.
If you can learn to be happy on your own, without the need for someone else to justify your existence, that's when you'll trip over the next person who sends your heart into a spin. This time you'll be a stronger person.
Be brave soldier, and start taking control,
Sofia
Disclaimer: We must stress that we are just human beings trying to help, we are not counselors, therapists, psychologists or psychiatrists. But we do have some pearls of wisdom on occasion, and we also have an incredibly supportive home here. If you feel you have advice to offer, feel free to comment below, as always. It's important no-one feels alone, that's what this project is all about after all.
